I’m laying in bed listening to the rain. I’m Just exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. The past couple of months have been stressful. And to add the cherry on top, my grandma passed. The most sweetest person I knew. She’s gone. And I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve never had a death in my family. This is all new to me. I felt like I had to be strong for my mom, grandpa and my oldest sister. I didn’t have time to mourn. And laying next to your grandma holding her lifeless hand kissing her and crying and telling her that I was here finally and that I loved her before she passed, didn’t count. And that’s all I got.
She passed within three hours of me rushing from the Seattle airport to her house. As soon as I got there everybody was on their hands and knees crying, holding their rosaries in their hand praying. Now this was hard for me. I don’t believe in Christianity. Or really anything. So it scared me to think where she was going after she left us. You don’t know. Even if you believe in a religion you still don’t know for sure.
I try to talk to her quite a bit and Tell her I love her. Tell her things no one knows. Sometimes I feel her, other times I don’t. But the crazy part…as soon as she stopped fighting and let go. I couldn’t cry. I felt like something came over me. I felt strong. It was my grandma. She is still making me till this day unable to cry over her. Now you can call me insane but I really do think she’s helping me be strong. For my family. For myself.
Her passing wasn’t peaceful…my grandma was fighting it. She had an extreme case of COPD. And a couple more things added on top of it. She’s been struggling with it since I was born.
They took off her oxygen. And for two whole hours she lasted without it. She was at the house, and they sent hospice over there. They weren’t there the night she passed. But they had a ton of morphine. One after another was injected into her mouth. It was alot. It killed me to think that they were trying to speed up the process of her dying. But it had to be done. She was in pain. It was hard to watch, but I was in her room with her holding her hand until she finally let go.
10:23 p.m. I will never forget that time. Couple hours after a mortuary came to pick her up. I couldn’t be in the room while they picked up her lifeless body and covered her up. And rolled her away. She’s really gone.
Comforting is all I need right now. What everybody needs. But it’s hard when I have to go back to work within a couple of days being there. It’s hard to act normal and ok. When really all you wanna do is be there with your family going through it together day by day. I’m really struggling right now. Time heals all wounds. But this one..will be always open.
Who give you long, tight hugs. Their hugs tell you, you’re not alone. That someone actually cares. They’ll engulf you in their arms to comfort you, to make you feel safe and secure. They use this time to lift you when you’re feeling down. It just gives you a feeling of reassurance.